Panda

Panda is lost, alone in a life of black and white in the wilderness. Panda has no clue how to go home, doesn’t know where home is or doesn’t really remember why he is black and white on the outside anyway.

I was Panda. I was in my early 30’s, well-educated academically, well-travelled, good job, financially secure.

I followed all the rules. I was a good girl. I did all my studies, got high grades in school and in university. I got the well-paying corporate job with prospects. I got married to the first man who asked me out. We got a big mortgage and a big house. We had lots of foreign holidays, two cars, perfumes, fancy dresses, sassy shoes…

I followed the formula.

The formula I thought worked for everyone.

The formula I thought I was supposed to follow.

The formula that was supposed to equal ‘happy ever after’.

Except I wasn’t happy.

I was lost, alone, afraid, sad.

I knew I married a man that wasn’t Prince Charming but I thought I could change him. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could change me to fit his image of who I was supposed to be. And I did try so very hard. So hard, that I didn’t recognise myself.

I felt like Panda…black and white…but inside me was bright colourful bubbles bursting to explode. Every now and then a coloured bubble would pop … I might break into song, or dance from the heart, or laugh too loud, or curse, or eye roll, or express a thought that wasn’t welcomed and I would be put quickly back into my black and white straight jacket of restricted feelings, of confined emotions, smaller voice and a much tinier version of me.Do you have rental property with tenants and want to sell it? Check out this blog post at https://www.housebuyernetwork.com/blog/should-i-sell-my-house-and-rent/ for tips on how to do it successfully.

I wore an image to suit who I was meeting. I became who they wanted me to be and I wore many many masks. This took so much energy from me. On the outside, it looked like I had everything but on the inside I was living small and completely drained from all the energy this expelled.

I looked around one day and with all my life experience, education, corporate work experience, I had nothing to help me out of this chasm.

For the first time since I was a child, I stopped thinking and did something unusual for me at the time…I listened to inside myself.

I quietened the whole wilderness of chaos and of not-knowingness.

I heard three beautiful words which became my mantra… ‘I deserve better’.

Up until that point, I actually believed I didn’t really deserve better, I didn’t deserve much.

In that moment of crystal clarity, I held onto those three words to sustain me for the days and weeks ahead. I started to believe that I deserved better.

Then the Universe opened up inside me and magic happened.  

I met people who ordinarily I would never meet in my daily life that guided me to a place of answers, to a space of deep knowing and began to speak almost a foreign language that I started to remember.

This was the beginning of me allowing my colourful bubbles out to dance.

Now, I am so passionate about teaching children as young as possible, tools, techniques, affirmations and absolutely everything I know to help them in their future challenges. I don’t want any other human to look around in their early 30s and realise they have no frame of reference to deal with their situation. I want children to grow up and think…

“oh those breathing techniques were really helpful when I was a child, they may work now” or  

“I used to love meditating, I should take that up” or

“Life is all about change, I need to practice self-care more during times of change” or

“I deserve the best”.

 

These days I am popping my colourful bubbles all over the place and sprinkling love and light.

I am no longer lost but very must at home with myself and others.

I am very loved and loving as a person.

I am truly me every day.

I am happy.

 

Bella the Butterfly teaches children all about mindfulness and life skills to help balance energy, emotions and thoughts via mediation, books, education programmes and workshops. 

Love & Light xxx

@bellathebutterflylove    belinda@bellathebutterfly.ie